Learning how to live again after losing a loved one is an incredibly difficult process. It takes an unfathomable amount of strength to continue on. The loss can make one feel so isolated, devastated and confused. And truly, there is no correct answer to living on, nor is there a be-all solution to grief. However, it is crucial to recognize that “navigation” is an option. Navigating loss may look different for everyone, but it is essential for healing. As navigation leads to coping, and healthy coping promotes healing. You are not alone, and you deserve to continue on. In this post, we’ll explore ways to cope with the aftermath of suicide, provide resources for support, and discuss how to move forward while honoring your loved one’s memory.
The Unique Pain of Losing Someone to Suicide
Grieving a loss by suicide is different from other forms of grief. In addition to the sadness and emotional pain, survivors often experience feelings of guilt, wondering if they could have done something to prevent it, or anger, feeling hurt or betrayed by their loved one’s choice. There is also the social stigma surrounding suicide, which can make it harder for survivors to talk openly about their loss and seek support.
The combination of these emotions often leads to what’s called “complicated grief,” which can prolong the healing process. Survivors may replay the days and moments leading up to the suicide, searching for warning signs or missed opportunities to intervene. These thoughts can intensify feelings of responsibility, even though the truth is that suicide is often the result of complex mental health struggles that are beyond anyone’s control.
Coping with Grief and Guilt
In the wake of suicide, feelings of guilt and shame are incredibly common and often overwhelming. Many survivors find themselves stuck in a cycle of "what ifs"—what if I had noticed something sooner, said the right words, or been more available? These thoughts can be relentless, as it's natural to want to understand why a loved one made such a devastating choice. However, it’s important to recognize that these feelings of guilt, while normal, are misplaced.
Suicide is often the tragic result of deep, complex mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or unresolved emotional pain. These struggles distort a person's thoughts and perception of reality, leading them to believe that death is the only way to end their suffering. It’s not a reflection of how much they loved you or how much they valued their relationships. Mental illness can make people feel trapped, hopeless, and disconnected, even from those they care about the most. In these moments, their pain overshadows the support and love that surrounds them, leading to actions that are more about escaping internal suffering than about the people in their lives.
It is crucial to remind yourself that you are only one person. No one has the power to
single-handedly prevent another person’s choices or fully understand the depth of their struggles. While it’s natural to want to believe that more effort could have changed the outcome, the reality is that mental health conditions are often beyond anyone’s control—no matter how attentive, caring, or supportive you may have been. You did your best with the knowledge and resources you had at the time, and that is all anyone can do.
As you move through the grieving process, it's essential to give yourself grace and allow space for these difficult emotions without becoming consumed by them. Recognizing that you are not responsible for your loved one’s decision is a key part of healing. Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, try to remember the good moments you shared and the ways in which you provided love and support throughout their life.
Healing from this type of loss takes time, and while the feelings of guilt may never fully disappear, learning to manage and re-frame them can help you find peace.
To begin healing, try these steps:
Acknowledge your feelings: It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions, from anger and sadness to guilt and confusion. feelings may come in waves, sometimes unexpectedly, and can be confusing or overwhelming. The key to healing is to allow yourself to feel and express these emotions without judgment. It’s common to think that certain emotions are “wrong” or inappropriate, such as feeling anger toward your loved one for leaving, but these emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Suppressing or denying them can make the grief more difficult to process. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace, and remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Challenge “what if” thinking: After a loss by suicide, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of “what ifs”—What if I had noticed the signs sooner? What if I had reached out more? What if I had done something differently? This kind of thinking can intensify feelings of guilt and prevent you from healing. While it’s natural to want to understand what led to your loved one’s decision, it’s important to recognize that mental health struggles are often deeply complex and not always visible to others. The choice to end one’s life is not a reflection of your love or support, but rather a symptom of the intense pain your loved one was experiencing. Try to gently challenge those “what if” thoughts by reminding yourself that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time, and that the responsibility for someone’s life and death is not yours to bear alone.
Avoid isolation: Isolation often intensifies feelings of loneliness and despair, making it harder to cope with the loss. It’s important to reach out to people who care about you and let them be there for you, even if you don’t always feel like talking. This can be as simple as spending time with a close friend, joining a support group for suicide loss survivors, or even finding an online community where others understand what you’re going through. Being around others, even in silence, can provide comfort and remind you that you are not alone in your grief.
Seek Healthy Forms of Expression: Grief needs an outlet, and finding healthy ways to express your emotions can aid in the healing process. One effective method is journaling—writing about your feelings or memories can provide a safe space to process your thoughts without fear of judgment. You might also consider journaling to your loved one, writing letters or notes as if you were speaking directly to them. This practice can help you work through unresolved emotions, say the things you didn’t get a chance to say, and keep a connection with your loved one as you grieve. Other creative outlets, such as art, music, or even physical activity, can also be helpful ways to express the depth of your emotions when words aren’t enough.
Consider Grief Counseling: While support from friends and family is invaluable, sometimes professional help is needed to process the complicated emotions that come with losing someone to suicide. Grief counseling or therapy can provide a safe, structured environment where you can explore your feelings more deeply, understand the complexities of suicide, and develop coping strategies. A therapist trained in grief, particularly with experience in suicide loss, can help you navigate feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness, and guide you through the healing process. If individual therapy feels too intense, group counseling or support groups can also be beneficial, offering the chance to connect with others who have experienced similar losses. Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re weak or failing to cope—it’s a healthy, proactive step toward healing.
Some national and online resources include:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): AFSP offers support groups and resources for those coping with suicide loss. Their online community, the “Survivor Outreach Program,” connects individuals with trained volunteers who have also lost someone to suicide.
Survivors of Suicide (SOS): SOS provides peer-led support groups, both online and in person, offering a safe and non-judgmental environment for those grieving a suicide loss.
Alliance of Hope: This organization offers a free, moderated forum where survivors can connect 24/7 and share their experiences with others who understand the pain of losing someone to suicide.
Not Moving On
Grieving a loss doesn’t mean “moving on” in the traditional sense. Instead, it’s about learning to live with the loss while still finding ways to experience joy, purpose, and meaning in life. Moving on often implies leaving the pain or the memory behind, but the reality is that the love and connection you have with your lost one never completely fades. The grief doesn’t disappear, but it evolves. Over time, it becomes something you carry with you, allowing you to move forward and experience life fully again. There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline, but with the right support, understanding, and time, hope and happiness can re-enter your life.
After losing someone, it’s common to feel guilt when moments of joy begin to creep back into your life. You may worry that feeling happy means you’re betraying your loved one or letting go of their memory. It’s essential to recognize that healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it’s about allowing yourself the grace to feel happiness again. The ability to experience joy is part of the natural process of healing, and it doesn’t diminish your love for the person you’ve lost.
Life will inevitably change after such a loss, and it’s important to embrace what many call the “new normal.” This new phase of life might still carry the weight of grief, but it can also include the memory of your loved one while allowing room for new experiences, passions, and relationships. Adjusting to this new normal may involve finding ways to integrate the memory of your loved one into your life in meaningful ways, such as through rituals, tributes, or new traditions that honor their legacy.
Grief is not something that stays the same over time. It will change, evolve, and take on different forms. In the beginning, it may feel all-consuming, but as time goes on, you’ll likely find that it becomes more manageable. It’s crucial to let that transformation happen without feeling like it diminishes the importance of your loss. The grief doesn’t have to define you or your life; rather, it becomes one part of your story, making room for growth, love, and joy alongside the pain.
Additional Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 support via text.
GriefShare: A network of support groups for those grieving the loss of a loved one, including suicide loss. Visit www.griefshare.org to find local meetings.
The Samaritans: Offers support for those affected by suicide, including survivor programs and local support groups. Visit www.samaritanshope.org.
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS): Provides compassionate care and support for military families grieving a death by suicide. Visit www.taps.org.
The Trevor Project: Focused on suicide prevention among LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project provides a 24/7 crisis intervention hotline and support resources. Call 1-866-488-7386 or visit www.thetrevorproject.org
Remember to be kind to yourself. Healing isn’t linear.
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